I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
