i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize