Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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