I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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