She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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