Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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