i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
