no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
