I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
