perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
