honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
