The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
