I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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