So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
