I got chris browned last night
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
