living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
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