So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
