I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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