the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
