a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
