I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
