I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
