If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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