I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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