If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
