Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
