is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
