Texts From Last Night

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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.

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  (313): We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure. http://tfl.nu/sjew
  Replies (0) Good night (1152) Bad night (781)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  How was your Memorial Day?

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.

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  (717): How was your Memorial Day? (1-717): Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name. http://tfl.nu/grou
  Replies (10) Good night (3822) Bad night (734)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona

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  (404): your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona http://tfl.nu/j0d8
  Replies (24) Good night (771) Bad night (3357)
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  (585): View more from New York

  i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW

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  (585): i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW http://tfl.nu/w5kh
  Replies (48) Good night (660) Bad night (3830)
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.

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  (416): I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover. http://tfl.nu/3ouv
  Replies (10) Good night (981) Bad night (3990)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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  (404): just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor. http://tfl.nu/8ie3
  Replies (10) Good night (1873) Bad night (3660)
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think

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  (763): using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think http://tfl.nu/9ucc
  Replies (3) Good night (2653) Bad night (1014)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

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  (304): Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea. http://tfl.nu/ejed
  Replies (6) Good night (2571) Bad night (711)
• Favorite

  (+49): View more from Germany

  I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!

  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's a Tuesday.

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  (+49): I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier! (303): It's a Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/jt9q
  Replies (4) Good night (1558) Bad night (572)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"

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  (613): The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO" http://tfl.nu/6o6m
  Replies (3) Good night (790) Bad night (580)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted

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  (860): I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted http://tfl.nu/pesj
  Replies (6) Good night (965) Bad night (568)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid

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  (814): its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid http://tfl.nu/32bb
  Replies (2) Good night (813) Bad night (313)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"

  (1+61): View more from

  I don't know if I want context or not...

  (+61): View more from Australia

  Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.

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  (+61): After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort" (1+61): I don't know if I want context or not... (+61): Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5. http://tfl.nu/jpk3
  Replies (2) Good night (804) Bad night (569)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It happened again.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  What?

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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  (651): It happened again. (612): What? (651): I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now. http://tfl.nu/fx7i
  Replies (8) Good night (1862) Bad night (520)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.

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  (912): Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica. http://tfl.nu/w5ic
  Replies (2) Good night (579) Bad night (673)

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