Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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