that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
