I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
