i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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