is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
