eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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