I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
