Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
