Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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