if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
