Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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