why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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