I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
