she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
