yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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