Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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