a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
