Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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