Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
