dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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