he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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