Don't make out with my wife yet
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
