i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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