i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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