I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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