and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
