whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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