Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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