bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
