At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
