youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
